Meteorologists attribute recent strange weather patterns to a monumental sigh of relief believed to be heaved from the raspy lungs of a recent college graduate. Storm trackers and weather spotters have traced the center of these disturbances to a woman at the University of Wisconsin-Madison whose graduation and first annual 39th birthday nearly coincided with Mother's Day. The resulting forces have stressed the capacity of local officials to contain the mix of glee and contentment swirling around the flagship campus and surrounding area.
"Joy and relief are literally suspended in the air," said a source at the university who wished to remain anonymous because he did not have authority to speak officially. "We've been unable to locate the woman in question because she's apparently so happy she's bouncing all over town in a state of giddiness. I tell you, if she doesn't calm down, she's going to gulp all the air out of the city."
He suggested a job might be useful in bringing her down, but he worried that finding gainful employment would only exacerbate her excitement.
"I'd hate to see what would happen if someone hired her in this economy," he said, rubbing his forehead. "She might actually explode, and then where would we be?"
Madison weather gods Charlie Shortino and Gary Cannalte have combined resources to create the Super-mega-my-Doppler-is-bigger-than-yours3.15 to pinpoint the exact whereabouts of the woman in question in an effort to restore weather patterns to normal. Shortino anticipates the sophisticated instrument will be activated by Monday morning.
"We'll have her found in no time, and then we'll settle her down," Shortino said.
Cannalte explained between laughing and high-fiving Shortino: "We're going to read to her from one of her unread textbooks the book store wouldn't buy back. That'll snap her out of it."
Psst! I'M DONE! And I couldn't be happier.
Thanks to my professors and advisers who've encouraged me and taught me so much. You've shown me possibilities I never knew existed and pushed and dragged and cajoled and held me up so I could see.
Thanks to my friends who told me to get my head and fingers out of my ass. You guys rock!
Thanks to my family for sticking by me these last four years. I appreciate all the support you've given me and the sacrifices you've made for me. The ride hasn't always been a smooth one, but I'm glad you took it with me. I love you.